The Quest for Calmness

It is one of those rare mornings here in Singapore where it really cloudy and not hazy. Bringing respite from the haze caused by the burning of forests in Indonesia was yesterday’s rain. The cloudy weather still continues.

I am now sitting in one of my favourite neighbourhood parks in Singapore. On a comfortable seat under the shade of a tree with chirping of birds and buzzing of insects for company. I hear the voices of dozens of small children coming from the preschool nearby. The bouncing of Basketball in the Basketball court in the park and the engine of the digger or whatever construction truck it is, are also constant company. Then there are Tamil and Chinese words coming from different directions. As tweets of the birds and the chatter of people continue, I sit in complete silence cherishing this moment of calm that I have got.

From phonics to transitive verbs, o-n-e to minuend and subtrahend, as I traverse from preschool to primary school subjects, this month of September has been one long learning journey so far, the journey not restricted just to studies but also of my own patience levels.

There were two main days when I was at my worst max as I struggled to maintain a calm while trying to make my daughter study for her Tamizh and English exams. For all my claim of being a parent who doesn’t pressurize the child to study, I ended up on that annoying lecture mode of mine as I tried in vain to make my daughter practice some portions. The rest of the exam preparation days went by so well.

Anyway, now is not the time to ponder on the exams, but on the nag that I become every morning as I struggle to get my kids ready for school or many a times when we go out somewhere. Even as I tell myself that I should remain much more calmer, I am just not able to and end up getting worked up so much about even trivial things. I always feel like ‘Jab We Met’ Kareena who fears missing her train and catches her train in the last minute every single time. 😉

The calm had to be tossed aside quite often this month as the children have been at home for most part of the day what with half a day school and holidays and that obviously meant more frequent sibling fights to manage and more tantrums to handle.

Of course, it also meant a lot more relaxing moments with kids as we had a lot more books time, games time and conversation time together.

As I now sit in complete calmness amidst the presence of nature and her sounds, smell and sights and do a retrospection of sorts, I realise that the relaxing moments with the children does outnumber the moments I was a total nag. But that doesn’t mean that my own yelling or lecturing mode can ever be justified.

I wonder if I will ever have an improved level of patience. I wonder if this feeling of inadequacy while dealing with certain moments will ever completely go. That’s when I tell myself that I am just another human being and I really cannot do it ALL all the time. But my quest for inner calmness and improved patience levels will continue and, who knows, maybe someday I might really achieve it.

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